My last birthday.
I got a laptop as a gift on my last birthday from one of my close friends. One day later, it got a minor dent, because it accidentally slipped from my friend’s hand in the afternoon.
It was my birthday that day. For the whole day and evening, I was crying. On that day, and later it seemed (to me and everyone else around me) that it happened to me because of my unnecessary love for devices and my inability to ignore things. I was always blaming myself for crying and making my friend feel bad about it. I was blaming myself on my failure to come out of this.
Every few days, I remember this incident, day and night and feel scared and panicked on what happened with me on that day - on my birthday.
Today I know the reason. I was not crying because I love my devices too much (I do, but not to that extent). The exact reason was: It was my birthday that day. Every kind of people was calling me on that day. Right from my grandmother to my parents to my sister to my close friends to my colleagues. Each one of them was wishing a happy birthday and asking me what I had ordered for food, and how I am going to celebrate that birthday, without knowing even a bit what’s happening with me.
I know. I know already what are you thinking. How will they ever know from a distance without me ever telling them. I have an answer to that. In fact two:
I have done that. I know just by looking my friends and family when they are sad and when they want to express something. I had once known that one my friends was going through a rough phase when he stopped taking cold drink for two days regularly in canteen. I knew that one of my other friend was doing something abrupt, just because she chose an abrupt frame for her lenses. There are so many examples. I don’t need someone close to me to express to me everything, for me to know that. People I care about, I watch them, their actions and their emotions carefully. I am aware when they are comfortable or not. I somehow expect that to reciprocate, not from all, but from some friends or family. Not able to find that was what made me cry all day and evening on my birthday. Maybe my expectations are wrong. Perhaps my awareness of people who are close to me is false. Or maybe, just maybe people didn’t invest that much energy and time in understanding others nowadays.
I am a loner. It’s not that people have not connected with me, but they were there because there was a reason. Growing up years, in middle class family, only focus was on schools and education. I was raised to have not made unnecessary friends (like my sister). I was praised to not go to any coaching and just go and come back directly from school. These things unknowingly hampered my social skills to meet and befriend people without a reason. And when there was a reason, I was totally in for it. When there was not, neither I nor my friend was there to be found. I know its impact today. No one understands my situation because its out of the syllabus. How can a thing as trivial like Depression affect so suddenly to this guy who was so focused! Is he saying a lie? Is he making this up for sympathy or emotional support? How can he look for emotional support? How can he cry on a dent on a laptop gifted to him? They’re all related. And when you ask someone close to me, they will say either I have lost it, or I am not mature enough or its just a phase or its because I’m a loner.
Friends and family, if you’re reading this, I want to tell you today, I am not just a tool, even though I love acting like that one for most of my times. I do that because I want/wanted to support you 💯% in small/silly things that you started. I want to tell you that I am not only a good son, good brother, good father, good student, good employee and a good friend. I am a good individual first. And good doesn’t mean correct and white. I have done things that can fall in grey areas knowingly and unknowingly, but that doesn’t make me less human than you.
Knowing about me, taking care of me, and giving time to me to speak my heart out was not only required when it was convenient for you; when it was good. It’s also needed when it’s not.
Do you know what makes a human less human? No point telling you.
Do you know what makes me more human than so many people you have met or will ever meet- True emotions and intentions. I have never faked my feelings. Don’t know how to do it. I cried after one of my guests were leaving after a one day conference at my college. Could not control or fake my emotions that day. Couldn’t do it today either.
Could you!? I know a few of you who were irritated at me, yet hugged me or said that all’s well.