Sayonara Manjiri ❤️

One year ago, today around the same time, Manjiri passed away (at least that’s what people told me). A fucking construction brick thrashed her head while she was on her way home from school. I knowingly didn’t go to see her one last time. I stayed in Delhi. I thought it would be comfortable that way. I have lost so many near and dear ones in my life, that I thought how sad it could be? I have already seen the depth of this emotion previously. But I was wrong. Life outplayed me this time. I was just not only sad and depressed; I was just all over the place. One moment, I was crying, another moment I was cracking a joke to relief from stress. Next day, I started working. On the same day, I threw all my debit cards, money, jacket and phone and took a train to nowhere (that train was eventually going to Dibrugarh).

Every emotion, not only sadness, haphazardly happened to me and the more I tried to control it, the better life fucked me. I lost my understanding of time and emotion with loss of Manjiri. Hardly anyone understood. I was always a good son, good brother, good friend, a good colleague and a good guy to be around. At that time, I was so frustrated about people not understanding my situation. I pushed my mother to the extent that she got physically hurt. One day, I was standing on the 5th floor of my friend’s building, and I was so tempted to jump. I did not stay at one place last year. Couldn’t stay. I have bounced from one Airbnb to another. Shifting from one place to another was the only exciting thing in my life. You can sense dissonance in my note here. There are so many things I want to scream and tell this world. But I want to end it on a straightforward thing.

There was no one whom I loved more than Manjiri. I haven’t spent much time with her, but that’s not the only criteria for love. When she left, my hope to build a family around her, also thrashed. But I know one thing, she was proud of me more than anyone. I remember how she proudly sat in front of her principal with red hair, just because she knew that her father also had red hair, and he doesn’t give a fuck to this bloated world view. I am going to build on that. I am going to keep doing things that push the boundaries of what’s right and what’s wrong. And I am going to keep Manjiri in my heart always. Sayonara M. You were the most beautiful and precious thing I ever held in my hands.

 
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